Navigating Conflict with Your Teenagers
Let’s face it, parenting is not always a walk in the park.
From the newborn and toddler stages, to the pre-teen and teenage years, each phase of development comes with unique challenges and accomplishments. While I always recommend that you celebrate the smallest of victories and accomplishments, it’s exceptionally important to recognize the challenges presented to you along the way.
Addressing these challenges and resolving them with your children can absolutely have a lasting impact on their development and the person they are becoming. One area that is best addressed from a young age is conflict resolution.
By modeling healthy behaviour, encouraging open communication and creating a safe environment within your home and family unit, you can set the foundation for a positive relationship between your child and conflict resolution.
In this article, I’m going to take a closer look at how to navigate conflict with your teenager,
Teaching Your Children About Conflict Resolution
The earlier you begin to teach your children about conflict resolution, the better relationship they are bound to have with it. To help your child form a strong foundation for conflict resolution throughout their life, here are some things that you can do from an early age.
Model Healthy Behaviour
Modeling healthy behaviours is one of the best ways to help your child form a healthy relationship with conflict resolution.
Especially from a young age.
You can show your child what healthy conflict resolution looks like through navigating relationships with your partner and/or co-parent, family members, friends, co-workers, healthcare professionals, and even teachers.
As your child watches you address concerns with others and engage in communication that is both honest and respectful, they are more likely to acknowledge the effectiveness of these behaviours and model a similar approach in their own life.
Nurture Open Communication
I believe that communication is key to maintaining healthy relationships.
Nurturing communication that is honest, respectful and ongoing is key to setting the foundation for lasting conflict resolution. Not only will open communication help to create a safe space for your child, where they are heard and respected, but it can also help your child to voice their feelings and needs. More often than not, these life skills can help reduce the need for conflict resolution in the first place.
Encourage Teamwork
Working as a team with family, friends, peers, and colleagues is part of life. Whether your child is learning to play with siblings or working on a group project in highschool, teamwork skills are absolutely essential to have.
Not only can teamwork skills help your child to thrive in social and work settings, it can also help them with conflict resolution. These skills can help your child to better see from the perspective of others, which is imperative when resolving a conflict.
It can also help motivate your child to resolve the conflict swiftly and effectively, so that they can return to working as a team with a common goal.
Children and teenagers without these crucial life skils may get caught up in being right or wanting to “win” the conflict, which overrides the motivation to find a resolution that benefits the greater good.
Practice Acceptance
A key element of conflict resolution is the ability to accept when things do not completely go your way. Practicing acceptance in everyday life can most definitely help to prepare your child when it’s time to navigate these feelings and find healthy ways to move forward.
How you model these behaviours may look different from one family to the next. For some, this may look like agreeing to disagree on what to eat for dinner, while others may help their child to walk through the emotions that they feel when things don’t quite go their way.
What’s important is that you find what works best for you - and staying consistent.
Picking Your Battles
Believe it or not, every source of conflict does not need to be navigated. Some points of contention can be resolved with acceptance or simply agreeing to disagree. This is often referred to as “picking your battles”.
This doesn’t go to say that the conflict will not be addressed and genuinely resolved at a later date. This can of course happen! But it is important to show your child that it is also okay to, for a lack of better words, table a discussion or disagreement.
This can be very important for your child to understand, as there is always a time and a place for proper conflict resolution. For instance, if your a person feels disrespected while in an important work meeting, these life skills can help them to temporarily settle their feelings and then address them with a colleague or superior at a later date during a more appropriate time.
Why is Conflict Resolution Important?
Healthy conflict resolution is so important in life.
From family and friends, to education, your career and everything in between, being able to communicate and navigate points of contention with those around you is so important. Having the ability to resolve conflict can help you to build stronger relationships, navigate difficult situations and ultimately live life to the fullest.
Through healthy conflict resolution, you can also stay committed long-term to genuine self development. As we admit our shortcomings, flaws and learn to apologize, we continue to grow each and every day.
10 Tips to Help You Navigate Conflict
Whether your child is two, ten or seventeen, the right approach to conflict resolution can truly make all of the difference. Here are 10 tips that I recommend to any parent who is navigating conflict resolution with their children, but especially teenagers.
1. Stay Calm
Responding to conflict with emotion can often escalate the situation. By staying calm and maintaining your composure, it is much easier to engage in effective communication and listen to one another - the building blocks of conflict resolution!
2. Maintain Honest Communication
Resolving your conflict genuinely is next to impossible without honest communication. While you may be able to temporarily come to an agreement and sweep things under the rug, chances are that the conflict will arise again in the future.
While it can be difficult, having the hard and honest conversations can help you and your teenager come to a genuine understanding and agreement that is long term.
3. Identify the Real Issue
During an argument, it can be difficult to identify what the real issue at hand is.
Here is an example:
The parent scolds their teenager for not washing their dish in the sink. The teenager is frustrated with the parent for yelling at them. The teenager is feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork. The parent argues that they work a full-time job and still wash their dishes. The teenager becomes frustrated and raises their voice at the parent. The parent then grounds their teenager and tells them to wash the dishes. The teenager washes their dishes and then does not complete their homework.
You can see in this example how quickly a situation can escalate. By disregarding what the real issue was, the argument grows into something much more and with no resolution to the conflict.
As the parent, you are responsible for setting the groundwork for conflict resolution. If you are feeling frustrated by the actions of your teenager, first take some time to calm down and prepare a reasonable approach.
For this example, a reasonable approach that can lead to the identification of the real issue may be asking why the dishes haven’t been done. This would provide the teenager with an opportunity to explain that they are feeling overwhelmed and talk to their parent about concerns with schoolwork.
The parent could then work with the teenager to address their feelings about school and create an action plan that not only addresses those concerns, but also highlights the importance of helping out around the house.
4. Set Realistic Consequences
Sometimes, conflict resolution will involve some consequences.
As much as we wish it were, parenting is not always sunshines and rainbows. From time to time, as you resolve conflict and come to a mutual understanding of certain subjects, a consequence will be part of the deal.
When setting a consequence, it’s important that it not only is acceptable for their age and level of development, but that it also matches the severity of what they are being punished for.
For instance, a toddler who has drawn on the wall with a crayon may be asked to help their parent clean it up. This would be a consequence that is appropriate for their action and age.
5. Take a United Approach
No matter the conflict, it is imperative that all parents, parental figures and family members of authority take a united approach. Whether both parents are in a relationship or co-parenting, is one parent disagrees with the approach or consequence, it can be confusing for the child.
Not only that, but not maintaining a united front can also lead to the child questioning the authority of their parents. As a parent, it is your job and responsibility to create and uphold certain boundaries and expectations for your child. Especially as they navigate the teenage years!
Communication is key to success. To ensure that you and your partner or co-parent are on the same page, I suggest speaking to each other before the child to ensure that you both agree on an appropriate approach.
6. Take a Break
Are your emotions starting to get the best of you? Or perhaps your teen is starting to feel overwhelmed or frustrated? It might be time to take a break.
Whether you break for 10 minutes, an hour or a day, taking a break can help you to calm down, gain a new perspective and realign your approach toward conflict resolution. It can also help to naturally diffuse any tension, boosting the likelihood of engaging in healthy conflict resolution.
7. Recognize the Need for Independence
I find that with teenagers, the source of conflict with parents is often connected to the need for independence. As your child begins to navigate the teenage years, they will likely experience a growing need for independence.
Whether they are your first, second or third child, this transition is never easy. Many of us want our children to stay small forever. This can make the teenage years all the more difficult to navigate, as parents are learning to slowly let go.
The sooner that you recognize your teenagers need for independence, the sooner you will be able to take a new and informed approach to conflict resolution. With this new-found information, you can approach certain topics with a better understanding of their need and wants, and more importantly, why they may be acting a certain way.
8. Be Approachable
If your teenager doesn’t feel comfortable enough to speak with you about certain topics, it will be next to impossible to engage in positive, genuine and healthy conflict resolution. Your teen should always feel comfortable approaching you about most things, especially if the topic is causing them stress or frustration.
In order to be approachable, your child must know that you will not act impulsively if they provide you with less-than-favourable information. You must take time to digest information and respond in a way that leaves your child feeling heard and supported, rather than nervous or scared.
The more respected and validated your child feels, the more likely they are to approach you with their problems in the future.
9. Listen
Hearing what your child has to say is one thing, but listening is so much more.
To gain a better understanding of their feelings and perspective, I suggest that parents put forward a strong effort to really listen to their children and teenagers. The more information you retain, the better you will be able to understand and connect with them.
10. Maintain a Respectful Atmosphere
While this may be number ten on the list, this is one of the most important points of conflict resolution. Without a comfortable and respectful atmosphere, your child or teenager may be hesitant to share their whole truth with you.
Without the ability to know and understand the situation completely, navigating the conflict and finding a reasonable solution will be exceptionally harder.
Taking a Proactive Approach to Conflict Resolution
Could you benefit from guidance and support throughout your conflict resolution? Whether you are navigating conflict with your teenager, employer or partner, I can provide you with informative resources, guidance and support every step of the way.
To learn more about the benefits of professional support during difficult situations, get in touch with me today!
